All The Good Times Give You Cancer

I feel somewhat obligated to explain the title of my blog. Since I started a few days ago and told many people about it, I've noticed I get the same reaction out of them. They look at me strangely, and some actually ask "what's with the name?" A very good question I think. I will take the time to explain the title of my blog. My sister first asked if it had anything to do with the fact that I think I have throat cancer. Surprisingly not, although now it's even more applicable to me than I noticed before. I've had a few other people ask if it's because I'm a hypochondriac. Again, not exactly. Have you ever heard the saying "all the good times give you cancer?" Well if you haven't, don't feel bad. A shocking amount of people haven't. Now, I understand that some people might get sensitive about the title. Some people might see it as being used in a callus sort of way. Sure, anyone is more than welcome to think that. I, however, disagree. We all know cancer is a nasty business, and the purpose of this blog isn't to make people feel uncomfortable or make me seem like a cold-hearted bitch. When I say that I truly believe all the good times give you cancer, I mean it. The name of the blog comes from a place where most twenty-two year olds have been. Most people in their twenties period. We as young adults party. Nowadays, most people in their early twenties will start smoking. Majority will quit at some point in his or her life, some won't. As young adults we binge drink practically every day. There are a lot who are smoking weed, doing drugs, getting tattoos, getting laid by anyone who will lay them! This is what's fun about being young. We can do these things without feeling any repercussions. To us, it's a blast. This is what being young is all about...

Do you see the point I'm making? If it weren't for the reckless behavior people my age participate in to have fun, well we would probably go on to live much longer, healthier lives. Don't get me wrong, I know not all twenty year olds are as reckless or hardcore as the people I prefer to surround myself with. This blog isn't about those people though. This blog is about my life, the people in my life, the lifestyles we lead and how we're all affected by it. Because to be honest, life just isn't as exciting without risk factors. Fuck what happens to us when we're old. Carpe diem, damn it; seize the day! What we're doing isn't bad. What we're doing makes good stories for the grandchildren or even the next party you're at. We want a life worth living. This right here? These are the moments we live for.

Passing Through

Location: Columbia, MO

Time: 2:45 p.m.

Listening to: Rolling In On A Burning Tire by The Dead Weather

My twenty-seventh day in Missouri. I woke up today feeling rather drained. It was the second night of binge drinking in a row, and even though I'm not hungover, I still feel as if the energy has been sucked out of me. It could possibly be all the alcohol I've consumed this past week, or maybe the packs upon packs of cigarettes I smoke. I guess the reasoning doesn't really matter. I've been awake for about an hour now. Other than taking my sister to her car and dropping my friend off at his house, I haven't done anything really exciting today. For the past twenty minutes, I've been listening to my sister talk about her life. I don't mind. I find it rather enjoyable. Since leaving Florida, I don't really have my own life here. It's not like I can talk about myself. Nothing happens to me here that people don't already know happened. Back to listening about my sister's life. I enjoy it because even compared to my life in Florida, hers is much more exciting. Her life is action packed drama, polluting her mind with assumptions, mistrust, and unshakable anxiety that someone close to her is plotting against her. A life such as this leaves people feeling vulnerable and angry. 

Maybe it's wrong of me to get such satisfaction out of all of it, but it's not just her this happens to. I've witnessed it in all our lives since living here. No, not OUR lives. THEIR lives. Then it occurred to me. I feel so privileged as to be left out of the "excitement" or "drama," but the reality is that I'm the unlucky one. For the first time ever, I feel as if I'm not longer the leading character in my own life. I'm passing through the lives of every person I've encountered, but it is THEIR life. I find it strange that I have the capability to realize that I'm no longer the main character. Most people are able to make their lives solely about them. Since I've lived here, I've been unable to do so. At this point, I'm not exactly sure if I like not being in the lead anymore. On one hand, it's a good break from my own life. I'm not living my own life, I'm a passenger in theirs. It feels good being able to do whatever I want, think what I want, be what I want without any repercussions. Well not any serious ones anyway. In a month and a half, I'll be out of here.

However, I find it rather annoying that all my efforts to matter in this town and to matter to the people I meet are useless. These aren't friends that I'm making for life. These are people who have befriended me for the time being. I digress. The point of this ramble is to explain how incredible it is when you realize you're not living your life anymore. When you realize you're a visitor in someone else's world. I feel as if I'm stuck in a limbo of sorts. I find it strange that my indifference about leaving Florida has yet to change. I find it strange that I moved so easily, started living someone else's life, and none of it bothers me. It's as if Kellie has fallen off the face of the earth. My life stopped abruptly the day I left Florida. I haven't started living it again. Not yet at least. So the question still remains. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Is not existing in your own world a terrible thing? Or is it simply the break that most people need from their own lives? An escape from reality possibly. Not that this isn't reality. It's just not my reality.